- Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don’t pick it up right away. Shout “Get off, stupid! Get off!”
- Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice “Relaxing into the fall.” Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
- Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
- Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you’re doing. They might as well know now.
- Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.
- Hone your fibbing skills. “See honey, moving hay bales is fun!” and ” I’m glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place – I’m just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place.”
- Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
- Borrow the US Army slogan; “Be all that you can be’…(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled.”
- Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: “This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience…”
- Marry money!
You Know You’re A Horse Person When…
…your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.
…your mouth waters at the sight of a truck full of hay.
…every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
…you consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
…your friends no longer ask to get together after school/work or on a weekend because they know you’ll say, “I can’t, I have to ride.”
…you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
…you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, briefcase, backpack, and car trunk.
…you realize finding a horse shoe is truly lucky because you’ve saved ten bucks.
…your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say: “And your point is..?”
…someone does something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say ‘good boy’.
…you try to get by someone is a restricted space and instead of saying “excuse me” to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
…you show up for an appointment in your city clothes and when you get there people reach across the table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
…no one wants to ride in your car because they’ll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and on their clothes…but that’s ok because you’ll have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
…you look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc…. but you don’t even care about the horsey hair residue that will be left in your washer and dryer.
…you say “whoa” to the dog.
…your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and dogs.
…you see the vet more than your child’s pediatrician.
…you groom your horse daily for hours and you haven’t seen a beautician since…?
…someone asks for a screwdriver and you hand them a hoof pick.
…you clean tack after every ride but you never, ever, wash the truck.
…on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
…you can remember worming schedules, lessons, and farrier visits in your head, but often forget your class schedule, household chores, and meals.
…you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift.
…you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
…books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references aren’t correct.
…you actually get to a point where flies don’t bother you that much anymore.
A HORSE WIFE IS:
A sentimental fool!
She displays a minimum of 6 8×10 color photos of her horse, and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse!
Easy to locate! She’s either out on the horse or in the barn!
Upholds the double standard! Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave!
Owns but one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn!
A social butterfly! Providing the party is given by another horsy wife!
Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions!
Economy minded! Won’t waste money on permanents, facials or manicures!
A culinary perfectionist! Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn’t blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave!
Occasionally amorous. But never leaves lipstick on your collar! At worst a slight trace of chapstick!
Easy to outfit! No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques! You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell! Bitterly complains about your sticky sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater!
Unmistakable in bathing suits! She’s the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrist!
A dedicated clubwoman as long as the words “horse” and/or “riding” appear in its name!
Has your leisure at heart! Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into MUD)!
A master at multiplication! She starts with one horse, ads a companion, and if it’s a mare she breeds it!
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget! Easily justifies spending hundreds of dollars but croaks when you spend $10 for a tie!
An engaging conversationalist! Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration!
Socially aware! Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots!
A moving force in the family! House by house, she will get you to move closer and closer to horse country (and farther from your job)!
Easy to please! A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof-pick will win her heart forever!
Shows her affection in unusual ways! Pats you on the neck and says, “You’re a good boy.”
Horse Terminology Explained:
Event Prospect = Big Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect = Big Slow Horse
Hack Prospect = Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect = Short Fast Horse
Camp Prospect = Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect = Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy = White Socks
Attractive = Bay
15.2hh = 14.3hhh
16.2hh = 15.3hh
To Loving Home Only = Expensive
To Show Home Only = Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider = Potentially Lethal
Elegant = Thin
In Good Condition = Foundered
Free Moving = Bolts
Quiet = Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet = Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof) = Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
Loves Children = Kicks and Bites
Pony Type = Small and Hairy
Arab Type = Looks startled
TB Type = Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type = Fat
Warmblood Type = Big and Hairy
Draught Type = Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch = Very Old
Must Sell = Wife has left home and taking kids
All Offers Considered = I am in Traction for 6 months
Reluctant Sale = Comes with Title Deeds to Brooklyn Bridge
Strange Horse Laws
Just some wacky, odd, strange laws from around the US (and a few from other countries too!).
The horse is New Jersey’s state animal.
It’s illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she’s riding a horse.
In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse. It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.
Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.
A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.
Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
In Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
In London, England, law required taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay on top of their caps to feed their horses. The law was in force until 1976.
In Arizona, it is illegal for cowboys to walk through a hotel lobby wearing their spurs.
In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
In South Carolina, it is legal for adult males to discharge firearms when approaching an intersection in a non-horse vehicle to warn oncoming horse traffic.
A misworded ordinance in Wolf Point, Montana: “No horse shall be allowed in public without its owner wearing a halter.”
In South Carolina, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
In Omega, New Mexico, every woman must “be found to be wearing a corset” when riding a horse in public! A doctor is required to inspect each woman to make sure that she is complying with the law.
Pennsylvania law states: “Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.’’
In Hartsville, Illinois, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse.
In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.
Pattonsburg, Missouri, Revised Ordinances, 1884: “No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in such manner as to disturb a horse.”
Abilene, Kansas, City Ordinance 349 declares: “Any person who shall in the city of Abilene shoot at a horse with any concealed or unconcealed bean snapper or like article, shall upon conviction, be fined.”
Marshalltown, Iowa, it is against the law for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I’ve been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as “Monthly Shoeing” and “Winter Blanket”. Periodically, I’ll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as “Withdrawal” will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere “utilities and entertainment program.” It is not – it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its’ creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled “Staff”. Failure to send payment to “Staff” will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn’t the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called “Colic 4.2” will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing “Vet 10.1”, which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
How do you……
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
One morning the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses. As he was walking to his mare’s stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn’t there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day. Finally at sunset the farmer opens the door to the barn and discovers his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed, and the farmer yells to his wife: “FOUND ’ER!”
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon’s regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he yelled forcefully. No one answered. “All right, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t want to have to do what I done in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. “Say, partner, before you go,” the bartender asked nervously, “what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “ I had to walk home.”
Don’t squat with yer spurs on.
Don’t let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Don’t dig for water under the outhouse.
Never take down another man’s fence.
Never drive black cattle in the dark.
The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.
Make apologies not excuses.
Water and truth are freshest at their source.
Don’t go in if you don’t know the way out.
Brace your backbone and forget your wishbone.
If you climb in the saddle, be ready for the ride.
Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
The horse stopped with a jerk– and the jerk fell off!
Any cowboy can carry a tune. The trouble comes when he tries to unload it.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.
If it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort it probably isn’t.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever deal with watches you shave his face every morning.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
When in doubt, let your horse do the thinkin’.
Don’t mess with something that ain’t bothering you.
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and look stupid than open it and prove it.
Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she’ll never be a nag.
When a cowboy’s too old to set a bad example, he hands out good advice.
There’ are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Just ‘cause trouble comes visiting doesn’t mean you have to offer it a place to sit down.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Never ask how stupid someone is ‘cause they’ll turn around and show you.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Dog vs. Cat…..
Exerpt from a Dog’s Diary:
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary…
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a ‘ good little hunter ‘ I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how
to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems
to be mor e than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now…………….